it's been a while...

Honestly speaking, the past weeks that i haven't been able to write here seemed like the weeks when i felt quite lost. i felt like so for no apparent reason except for some few ideas that involuntarily pop out and eventually make me sick so i'd rather not think about it right now.
oh well.. oh hell... life felt like hell for me these past weeks. it's like some tumultuous ride, much more dangerous and expectedly unexpectable than my certain classmate's driving. anyway, things have been quite a mess:
1. i haven't the least clue on what i would do with my term paper and it feels like i don't want to care
2. as i think about the term paper deadline that's four days away, i feel more restlessly wanting to rest from the pressure it gives.
3. i know that pressure is a tool for growth; i'm growing but i'm feeling nothing. i feel dead with this kind of growth society conditions me into having
4. i feel lost... and people tell me that the lost better not keep company with another lost coz, well... they'd both end up lost... (duh!) or worse, they'll lose, get loose, lose each other...such losers
5. i started to think what i've been losing with all that i've been doing (which, by the way, is not the same in context with my other statements about the things i do or anything related to it... blah blah...) **i'm talking nonsense, okay**
6. what sucks is i know i've been losing (intentionally or otherwise) the things that are very much more worth keeping...
7. i'm sad 'coz after all and more, i still can't do anything about it
8. i'm just tired and jaded of everything, i think.
9. maybe i want to feel what it is to really lose and fail and disappoint people
10. but doing that would make life worse not only for me
11. so back to zero: i have nothing else to do but to bear what i have to bear then maybe after all these sh*t, i'll be home to my house by the beach...

that day

i don't really know what to call that day (i have even forgotten the exact date) but all i know is the experience was fun, liberating in a kind of exhiliratingly silent intensity (or something). anyway, what i'm aiming at here is this:

I got my belly pierced and by this guy...

so i thought i really don't have anything to fear... i'm just imagining wat dale's expression would be like when he sees this come unigames time... >>mischievous smile<<

to those who read bloody words

i know my last entry might be vague... allow me to be ragin' mad sometimes because of too much injustice

meet my wrath

where does freedom of expression end and tyranny begin?
of all the things that anyone could do to me, there's only one thing that i could NEVER EVER tolerate:
being taken as a fool.

what's with the censorship, man?!?

i try not to think of bad things and have PEACE in my head and in my heart but every ounce of peace i try hard to cling to just disappears with all that deception.

just where does freedom end and tyranny begin?

i cannot be your scapegoat, i will never be one.
i cannot be your laboratory mouse, your experiment. i am better than that.

what i'm ranting about is this:

you people think you're above the system by making yourselves THE friggin' system.
sons of b*tches!!! here's the tiffany you don't know.
meet my wrath!!!

i'd rather have a pen and paper in my hand than your shallow piece of joke. you're like the rot that eats away the bronze, making the metal brittle.

i heard of a story that when an institution destroys a system that promotes what is rightfully due to the people, they are destroying the people who serve as the reason why they exist in the first place. i don't know what the conclusion of the story would be... but it would be insensible and irrational if these people would be deprived of their right just because of the whims of the so-called 'people up there'

i don't want to start believing that theory about life being a total futility